I feel like I’m in a weird place in life right now for a few reasons. I’m not exactly satisfied in my current job and haven’t been for quite a while. I just can’t help thinking that my gifts and abilities could be used more doing something else. I’m antsy for something new, but not quite sure what or how to start. I’m 27 years old and still single. I want to be married and have babies, but I’m not even close to that, if my lack of a love life says anything. I go through phases of being okay with that, and then deeply longing for it to change. I’m still dealing with frustrations with my health.
I’m considering changing careers entirely, but I’m torn between choosing something that doesn’t require going back to school and incurring debt (in case I do happen to meet someone and get married in the next two years) and pursuing something I’m actually really interested in but would probably require getting an entirely different bachelor’s degree, and then another couple of years of specific schooling. A.K.A. lots of money to start a new career. But what if I met someone and got married during that time? I’d want to start having kids pretty soon after getting married, and I’d likely want to stay home with the kids after that if possible, which would mean I had wasted all that money on a new career that I wouldn’t be using anymore.
I’ve also been making some strange and enlightening revelations about myself that makes a lot of things about my life make sense and simultaneously makes me rethink a lot of things I’ve done or not done, and that’s all throwing me for a loop.
What if, what if, what if? I can’t seem to get out of that rut.
And in all this contemplation, I find myself wondering if I’m trying to find something to fill a void I should be filling with Christ. Am I unhappy in my job because I’m letting it hold too much weight in my life? Or is there really something else out there that I haven’t realized God is trying to guide me toward? Is my desire for a husband and kids greater than my desire to love and serve Jesus? Am I not trusting God enough to heal my body? Are the things I’m learning about myself all a result of low self-esteem or a result of doubting my ability to be used by God?
If I’m doubting my ability to be effectively used by God, then I’m really doubting God, and probably looking for fulfillment in other things and people.
There are so many places in Scripture that blatantly tell us that Christ alone satisfies.
Jesus said to them, “I am the bread of life; whoever comes to me shall not hunger, and whoever believes in me shall never thirst.”
For he satisfies the longing soul, and the hungry soul he fills with good things. -Psalm 107:9
For I satisfy the weary ones and refresh everyone who languishes.
The list goes on and on. A lot of these verses are spoken so often and so freely in the Christian world, that I think we’ve grown to just hear them and nod, rather than fully absorb their truth.
Jesus alone is enough to satisfy every need, longing, and empty place.
My worship playlist was playing in the background at work the other day, as it always is, and a lyric in one of the songs stood out to me – “hungry for more.” I don’t know what song it is, and I don’t really even remember the rest of the lyrics, but those three words stood out to me because they voiced what I’ve been feeling for a while. I’m hungry for more – more fulfillment, more joy, more revelation.
But all those things are only satisfied in Christ and what he provides.
Hungry for more of Christ. I want him to show me more, and I want to be attentive and willing to hear what that ‘more’ is. That’s where I am right now.
Oh God, you are my God; earnestly I seek you;Psalm 63:1-4
my soul thirst for you;
my flesh faints for you,
as in a dry and weary land where there is no water.
So I have looked upon you in the sanctuary,
beholding your power and glory.
Because your steadfast love is better than life,
my lips will praise you.
So I will bless you as long as I live;
in your name I will lift up my hands.