Hello again, friends! I’m back after a short hiatus. If I’m being completely honest, I took a break because I’ve been dealing with quite a bit of anxiety lately and I just needed to not have to think of something to write.
Anxiety is a real pain to deal with, but it hasn’t been a problem for me for several years. It was a big deal as a child, then for a couple of years in college, then things were fine up until a few months ago when it started creeping back in.
I’ve been dealing with some health issues the last few years that have been pretty frustrating and discouraging, to say the least. It feels like my body is failing me in a lot of ways at the ripe old age of 26. As I’ve walked through this confusing health journey of seemingly doing all the right things – seeing a naturopathic doctor, incorporating all the supplements, receiving consistent chiropractic care to restore my nervous system, eliminating all the inflammatory foods, exercising regularly – and yet still not seeing the desired results, I’ve grown more anxious.
I get anxious when I feel bad days coming on. I get anxious when I have to miss work or commitments or cancel plans with friends due to not feeling well. I get anxious thinking about how these issues will affect me in the future when (Lord willing) I get married someday and want to have children. I get anxious about the ridiculous amount of money I’m spending on alternative care I know is making more of a difference than traditional medicine has but isn’t covered by insurance (that’s a whole other topic I have many feelings about, let me tell you).
I get anxious about all of these things until it’s all I can think about and the feelings of anxiousness flat out become a constant state of anxiety. And then I think about the fact that stress and anxiety play a big part in our physical health and I’m probably not helping my body heal by stressing and, and…you get the point. It’s a cycle, and it’s hard to get myself out of it.
And yet, I know God is good.
He is Healer, and whether or not he decides to heal my body, he is still good.
He is my strength, and when I can’t muster up emotional energy to talk to people or physical strength to get through work, he is there and he is still good.
He is Creator. He created me in his image and is continually molding me into just who he desires, so he is still good.
He is Spirit, and that Spirit who raised Jesus from the dead dwells in me and gives me life, so he is still good.
So I guess that’s where I’m at right now, and I just want to be real with you guys. Things have been rough, but I’ve been blessed with great friends and a community group from church who understand and support and point me to Christ.
And since the word and command God keeps pointing me to this year is to trust in him, that’s what I’m doing. That doesn’t mean it’s easy. But I’m trusting him. I was just telling someone that surrender seems to be a process, or a continual state, rather than a one-time thing. So I’m continually surrendering, trusting him during the process, and placing my hope in him.
In Psalm 139, we see one of my favorite pictures of our relationship with God. God is always with us; he knows our thoughts and our words before we speak them. And when we decide to make our bed in the darkness, he will crawl into those dark places with us, giving us his hand to hold and follow. He is there and he is Light.
O Lord, you have searched me and known me!
You know when I sit down and when I rise up;
you discern my thoughts from afar.
You search out my path and my lying down
and are acquainted with all my ways.
Even before a word is on my tongue,
behold, O Lord, you know it altogether.
You hem me in, behind and before,
and lay your hand upon me.
Such knowledge is too wonderful for me;
it is high; I cannot attain it.
Where shall I go from your Spirit?
Or where shall I flee from your presence?
If I ascend to heaven, you are there!
If I make my bed in Sheol, you are there!
If I take the wings of the morning
and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea,
even there your hand shall lead me,
and your right hand shall hold me.
If I say, “Surely the darkness shall cover me,
and the light about me be night,”
even the darkness is not dark to you;
the night is bright as the day,
for darkness is as light with you.Psalm 139:1-12